They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
thanksgiving in nutshell
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.