Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
this has done me in for some reason
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?