Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.