I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
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Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?