Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
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My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
that colleague who touches your screen
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife