Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
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Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Seems legit
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.