The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
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Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Meow?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”