Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
U talkin 2 me?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that