me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
They got Raph!
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.