Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
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I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
seems like a niche market
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar