Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
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I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.