Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
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Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Stonehinge
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.