ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Velcrow
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.