“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!