girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
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After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.