If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
🐕🍷
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“How’s your day going?”
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?