To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
You Might Also Like
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.