In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
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fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Saw online –
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.