alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.