My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
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if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap