Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”