my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Stop it! 😂
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.