Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
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Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children