[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
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Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Pretty certain I can more drunk
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Beware of fowl play.