God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
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most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None