It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.