Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
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Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
just left a huge legacy in there
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?