DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
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My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Social Media and Real life
the Monday after daylight savings
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Vodka burrito was a success
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.