waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
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Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Godspeed, John Glenn
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.