Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Sticker placement is key.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
San Francisco has too many rules
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”