*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
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uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
this is what they would have looked like, though
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.