I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written