That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
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Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
WHY would you be happy about this?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Good morning y’all ☀️
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
#inspiration #foodforthought
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes