I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
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Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.