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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.