Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Sheep
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems