God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
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*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.