“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
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Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!