Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
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“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired