Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
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Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.