Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
🙀🙀🙀😹
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.