*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me too 😆
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*