Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Raisins are grape jerky.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
going to the ER y’all need anything
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food