DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
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Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
A Short Story.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed