Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
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Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff