Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
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Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?