Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
You Might Also Like
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I’m a self-made hundredaire
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying