[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
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[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE