[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
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After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
found this cool rock hiking today
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
i want the dreams to chase me for once
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*