Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
You Might Also Like
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”